Constant chaos to calm
Living in a constant state of chaos and being on high alert can take a toll on your body. When your body signals chronic pain, illness, or PTSD due to this, it's a sign that you can't keep going this way. You have a choice: you can keep ignoring the signals and stay stuck in a negative cycle. Despite putting on a brave face and pretending everything is fine, eventually, cracks will appear, forcing you to confront these challenges. Sooner or later, you won't be able to carry these unresolved issues any longer.
I was raised myself with a certain image in my mind that I vowed never to become the person that was suppose to look after me.This belief haunted me throughout my life, with every mistake, failure, and negative comment pushing me into a destructive pattern of thinking. I became overly critical of myself, striving to create a life and be a mother different from what I experienced.
I was literally was self destructioning from young age, had already learnt a drinking habit by time I was 15, drinking was my escape, gave me confidence, I felt free. In 1999 I hit the bottle really hard loosing my best friend and someone who ment so much to devastated me and a year that forever changed me, tried to end the pain I didn't have the will to live.
I have dedicated 16 years of my life to four significant relationships, each displaying their own form of unkindness. Searching for something while unsure of what you seek, aside from an idealized image, left me enduring increasing pain. I remained, absorbing more hurt, to avoid a fractured family and provide my children with the family life I yearned for. Unfortunately, I encountered unhealed men whom I believed I could mend and influence positively. Instead, they revealed everything that love is not, shattered me into a thousand pieces, and departed.
My childhood was abruptly disrupted, leading to a sense of distrust towards men. As a young girl, not understanding exactly what transpired can be frustrating when seeking answers. Often, when questions are raised, no one is willing to discuss the matter.
Losing my daughters was heartbreaking, as it revealed the harshness of people. I was struggling and unsure how to fulfill my role as a mother, but my children meant the world to me. I dedicated seven years to battling systems, family, and individuals to reunite my children with me. I took responsibility for my actions, held myself accountable, and pledged never to repeat the same mistakes with my son.
My health went down hill in 2017 and that has been a battle in half, learning how to manage things, having drs that want to listen to and having to find the energy to advocate for yourself, i have about 8 different illness i battle and the most sigficant event was leaving domestic violence and been assulted and having to go through another huge battle to be heard, find some justice and learning to do life differently.
I've put a lot of effort into my personal growth, adopting healthy habits and making lifestyle adjustments. However, the past continues to resurface in certain areas of my life because I've only scratched the surface. To truly progress, I need to delve deeper and address the unresolved aspects within me. This involves letting go of the life I once lived and bidding farewell to the person I used to be, as she no longer exists here.
