From Darkness to Light
Healing from loving an abusive monster
I envisioned my ideal life with a husband, a home, children, and success in my chosen endeavors. Everyone has a vision of their perfect partner, picturing how they look and dreaming of walking down the aisle in their dream dress, living in a house filled with imagined details, and eventually having children.
I am journeying through the twists and turns of life, where my experiences resemble strolling through a forest. Some parts are illuminated by patches of light filtering through the trees, while others are cold and dark. Occasionally, I encounter shortcuts that lead me on thrilling adventures into the unknown, where the path grows ominous with lurking monsters. There are moments of doubt, where I contemplate deviating from this path and seek refuge under a tree, feeling scared and isolated, drained from battling these imaginary beasts. Despite the challenges, I eventually find my way back to the right track. Every now and then, I stumble upon another shortcut, repeating the cycle once more.
m 41 and im mumma to three amazing kids two have left home and doing their life now and im pretty lucky to be amazing nanny to a handsome boy. I have sucessfully have qualifications behind me that ranges in buisness, hospitality, and health care, i had some amazing jobs and met some pretty cool people along the way. I have a way with words and im always finding a postitive in everything i do in life, rasied some pretty amazing humans, im bubbly and ill always say hi to random person or even have a chat and most of im giving compliments to anyone who crosses my path. Unfourtnatly underneath all this is a women who is broken and seen some things in her life and experienced pain, hurt, constant let down, abuse, bullying the list is like endless book. There has been times where i have choosen to give up and end all the pain and hurt im stilll here, i learnt to push through and the art of a fake smile. No matter what im going through i remain the bubbly, outgoing person and still saw life as a beautiful thing. One thing i have never been good at is the choice of my partners i had the three main relationships i had in my life has caused me so much distress and chaos in my life and left me thinking is this normal no matter how bad it got i always had excuse for their behaviour, carried on like a happy family, always said i was fine and pushed through it the crazy. I lost my girls for seven years and i had to fight the system,family, all i could think was please let the hurt stop im not a bad person. I never grew up with a mum and dad instead i grew up in dysfunction and had many dads and mum that was vacant and used words as weapons. Been cheated on and heard every vile word to come out of a mans mouth. I spent many years chronically ill and with chronic pain spent days in bed watching the day pass by, lost friends and family, spent time curled up in the shower in agony, embrassing moment like number two accidents, bleeding unexpectdly agian the list is endless. The last five years have been the hardest i dont know what makes this guy different to the rest i was about to be shaken to the core and left thinking what the hell and i would have to make some serious changes in my self. I honestly thought i found the guy i was going to spend my life with he was funny and he seem to get me, things were going great and then it was like holy hell he changed the words that came of his mouth were vile and the anger was surfacing like a volcano about to erupt, the life i knew was gone and things were about to get shakey, i moved from everything i knew and left my daughter behind yes there were factors going on and i needed a fresh start and a place that would give me and my children more opportunites so i thought this was a great path to follow.
Picture yourself arriving on an island with the sun shining, the sand gleaming, and warmth under your feet. The air is filled with the sounds of chirping birds, and every color imaginable is present in the plants, sky, and wildlife. It's truly astonishing, evoking feelings of happiness, love, and warmth. Everything seems wonderful, but there's always a lurking sense of danger, like a shadowy monster waiting to emerge. This feeling of danger intensifies each day, and the monster begins to show its presence through selfish behavior, outbursts, and a desire to ruin things that held personal value.
The days were becoming darker one night out of the blue when i needed a partner to get my sick child to hospital the monster emerged in rage voiced raised throwing my things, as the monster ranted i was packing my car and getting my humans out there, it was a dark night and all of us snuggled in blankets in the car, while the humans slept i cried and cried like i never cried before left in confusion in the panic attack i closed my eyes took me back to that first image of the island waking up in panic with over 50 messages and the monster was still raging, i knew i had to leave, each night i slept with my daughter till i got the call we got you temporary home.
Instead of a island full of beauty endless opportunities i was stuck in a storm and had no idea how bad it was about to get for me. New place, no friends, my body is shutting down im sick all the time, the days were dark and lonley.
Remaining loyal to my relationship with the monster asborbing the words like your fat, no one ever want you, you look hungry, why are lazy every day it was something new or like a cd stuck on reapeat, the monster was striping my confidence, isolating me, accusations, running me off the road the list is long and before i knew the monster has me in his grips and i just accepted defeat took the good with the bad, i learnt to fake and act like i was happy to save all the questions. took the blows, insults, questioned everything. Even thou i never lived with this monster he was all lurking in the shadows ready to come out and play havoc. The days were passing they were turning onto months and followed by years, i was in the monsters clutching, loosing my self more and more everyday been consumed in every way by the monster, everytime he left me weather it was to the ex, another chic and more excuses i find my self sucked right back in........
HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS STORM !!!!
I have nothing left to give im tired and i feel after the first breakdown im heading for another one...
The monster was growing stronger as i was growing weaker, one very dark day as the monster was raging, monster with his black eyes,and snarling at me had me trapped and raging from his vile mouth, i felt the fist connect with my face once was just not enough, i cried and wanted the monster away from me, i needed to escape and huddle trying to control the breathing, right at that point i had a moment of
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING PUTTING UP WITH THIS??????
The monster left knowing there was help coming for me, my life was about to change and change for the best, unfourntaly this monster stills continues to lurk in the shadows, ready to come out at any time.
Please seek help if you can relate to my story, a monster does not have to hit you for it be domestic violence rememeber that mental and emotional abuse can be far worst, dont try to tackle this on your own seek help i have some amazing people that are supporting me on my journey of healing and the person im becoming is a pretty amazing lady and one im pretty proud of.
This journey has led me to a passion of writing and taking my experiences, sharing my story into amazing life coaching path and helping others. been chronically ill and living with chronic pain i have learnt that trauma has a link to this, going to the gym, managing my illness my body is starting to relax and not hurt so much. I dont where this journey is going to take me, im embracing the change, and going with it.
"Not untill we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." Henry David Thoreau
My journey is not over i still have alot of healing to do, my life is like a book sometimes you got close the book and start a new one, fresh chapters, new experiences and memories this time the book be named the "The come back,"journey of self discovery and healing.
"As i stand here with a two jars one is empty and the other holds the broken peices of my heart, he who chooses me will be the one to look after my broken heart and slowly put the peices together, hands shaking and thoughts racing and the fear i have when i place my jar in his hands and my words are "please look after it and give me time and never break the jar". The other jar is our feel good jar and want to fill this with all the good things"